Tavern Tales: A Dungeons and Dragons Shorts Series
by KrakaIXI
Summary: A necromancer bartender, an undead Kobold bard/butler, thieves, thugs and maybe even a troll or two. There's a new story on the regular at your favorite local shady pub, so come have a seat, an ale and a listen.


**Tavern Tales**

_A D&D Shorts Series_

"So there I was," Suraa, legendary Necromancer-turned-bartender, said to his tiny undead friend, scrubbing the counter before opening time, "Butt-ass naked in the middle of the prairie just north of the Plains of Purple Dust with nothing but my survival toothpick and my hair extensions, which were all the rage at the time."

"Why, pray tell, were you naked, oh wisest and definitely most potent of mages," Urrth asked, laying the sarcasm on thicker than an ogre's hide. "Would clothes not be most useful in such a… toothy place?"

Suraa laughed heartily. "Clothes?!" he said as though the word were completely foreign. "Everyone knows that to pass unnoticed amongst prairie beasts, you must become as much animal as they. That wildebeest I raised told me as much, he did."

"Of course, Master. How could I be so foolish?"

"Well," Suraa began, "Though you were at least in the running for smartest of your species, Kobolds aren't often known for their sage advice, and the brain necrosis can't be helping that." Urrth had been Suraa's thrall for longer than either of them could remember, their meeting locked away behind the sands of time and rampant alcoholism. "Anyways, I was on a ramble. Quit interrupting."

"Sincerest apologies, Master. I shall do my best to contain my overflowing exuberance."

"Good," Suraa said, leaning hard into a spot of who knows what stuck to the almost-pristine counter. "Anyways, I was hiding in a patch of tall grass as there was a group of Halfling tourists nearby surveying the foreign landscape. Being the gentleman I am, I didn't want to embarrass any of the poor young chaps perhaps exploring the wild wastes with their tiny wives."

"How incredibly considerate, master."

"Why yes, I thought so too. But it was just then that I began to feel vibrations in the earth. Something quite large was about to appear, and appear it did. From underneath, an eighty foot tall meerkat erupted from the dirt and grass. I took this in stride, of course, but felt a touch concerned when the great beast looked down at me and _smiled._"

"He smiled, sir?" Urrth asked, perfectly feigning interest in the way that only tired butler archetypes can.

"He did just that, good Urrth. And even more surprisingly, he then spoke. He said to me in his deep, booming voice that demanded attention 'Oh. Oh, hey. Well, you're the first person to see me this century, so I guess you get seven wishes or whatever, I don't care.' So of course I have to say I was at least a touch skeptical."

"As one would be, sir."

"Towards an eighty foot, wish granting, talking Lolthborn meerkat far from meerkat territory, of course one would be! I still wasn't even sure if the thing was gonna eat me, much less grant me seven wishes. So, being the brave soul that I am, I decided to approach the entity with this quixotic quandary." leaning back now in an attempt to pop a centuries-old tight joint in his spine, Suraa stretched a bit to the sound of thousands of tiny pops and creaks. Necromancy was hard on a body, and eternal undeath wasn't much nicer to it.

"So, I said to him, 'Uh huh. So, you're telling me, good stranger, that you'll grant me seven… whatever… just because you saw me, with nothing asked in return? No firstborn shenanigans or monkey paws?' This meerkat, Urrth. He looked at me and said, 'See these paws, mate? These stupid, weird, no fine motor skills 'avin _before_ gigantism paws?' holding out said gigantic but rather clumsily designed hands. 'Do you _really_ think I could even hold a monkey, let alone a paw from one?' 'Fair enough,' I said to him. I had seven wishes at my coincidental disposal."

"Oh please, master. Do tell what you wished for as I spend my undeath cleaning," Urrth interrupted, grabbing a broom from behind the bar to do one last sweep.

"If you'll hush, I might one day get there." Suraa replied with a threatening gesture. "However, I had yet to ask the beast what conditions there might be to these wishes. So, of course, I did that. "Whatever, mate. Sky's the limit. Well, technically you can have that too. Take all the skies, fuck, I don't care.' was the increasingly obviously apathetic meerkat djinn's answer. I started to think something in this was amiss, but as it was beginning to get quite hot and the aforementioned tiny tourists were starting to take notice of the enormous vermin and therefore my excessive nudity, I decided that the first order of business was to relocate our party to less populated areas."

"I'm sure your fear of specific varieties of plains snakes had nothing to do with it, master" Urrth chuckled, mostly to himself.

"Bloody things were everywhere, Urrth. And who drags a pack of flying snakes out of the jungle and plops them into the plains? But anyways, we decided to head south into the desert where the snakes aren't so green, chatting about all sorts of things as we went. But as we did, a thought decided, of its own volition, to gnaw at me much as the ultraviolet rays were gnawing at my skin cells. I still did not know this creature's name."

"Do meerkats even have names, sir?" Urrth asked, barely masking his annoyance inspired by a good hundred years worth of stories and lack of sleep. Undead Kobold thrall was not an enviable life.

"I had wondered that myself, but didn't want to be rude," Suraa replied, perching on a barstool as he replied. "So I asked him, of course. 'A name? Are you stupid?' he asked as though he already knew the answer. 'Meerkats don't have names, ignorant.' Being a touch hurt at the accusation, I lost my composure a bit and asked, 'Well insults aside, my inexplicably enormous sir, is it not a little odd to be so large and magical and not have a name?'"

"'Is it not a little odd' the meerkat replied mockingly, 'to be such a naked, unprepared creature in such a toothy wild, chatting idly in the desert with a huge, wish granting animal?' I could not argue that and to this day can't, so I took the lesson to heart and continued on with him until we came to an oasis. Being rather excitable in my youth and more than a little hot and sweaty from being naked in the desert, I sprung forward and began swimming and dancing about. I used my first wish then, for finger sandwiches for the both of us to eat. They weren't the best, to be honest, but not bad."

"But this meerkat was looking like he was getting a bit impatient, as though he had so many other places to be. Not wanting to get on this thing's bad side, I chose to go ahead and speed things along. We continued on through the desert for a bit so I had time to finally decide on the rest of my wishes. However, being the man that I am, I had too many ideas and couldn't narrow it down to seven. I picked just two for myself."

"Two, master? That's… odd." Urrth commented, actually slightly interested now. He had known his master for a very long time, and not once had he seen Suraa pass up a free _anything._

"Yes, Urrth, just two things. The first thing I wished for was a beautiful, interesting wife who would rival me in both wisdom and love and who was also fae. I just love those wings. And of course, I was granted Tink, but not until much later. Bylaws and such, apparently."

"And the second?"

"The second was for a faithful, nonsexual companion who would aid me in quests and also sing songs of my travel in dulcet tones, my good friend. Whom, again due to bylaws, wouldn't arrive for a few months. For my fourth total wish, I wished that the meerkat would go off and do whatever he wanted without having to grant stupid wishes to stupider people. This apparently required no bylaws, and the meerkat sped off with such force that it caused a dust storm, getting me irrevocably lost and eventually leading to my death from exposure."

"And that, Urrth," Suraa said, walking to the door to unlock it for the night, "is the story of my thirty-seventh death. And also why you shouldn't go near deserts. Exposure is not fun."


End file.
